Crazy Jack is calling it quits!  And although that makes us sad, I’m sure we’ll find another ding dong who is an easy target.

His wife, who has earned the sole income in that family for at least 10 years and deserves a medal for bearing that burden, finally pressured Crazy Jack to get a real job. She knew that there was more about Crazy Jack that would be revealed to the public this next election.  Smart move: spare your family before being further publicly humiliated. 

But, on his way out the door, Crazy Jack has threatened to return…as a candidate for Secretary of State. (Why would anyone want this guy one heartbeat away from becoming Governor?)  Or he wants to become a US Ambassador.  (With what country would the US want to destroy its relations?)

So what are the qualifications for a US Ambassador?

• One doesn’t need a college degree. (Crazy Jack passes the first requirement!) PASS
• One must pass a written test. (Crazy Jack’s wife edits all of his wacky writings.) FAIL
• One needs intercultural people skills.  Actual test question: “How many friends do you have from different cultural backgrounds?” (Crazy Jack, that means, for example, people who are not white and people who wear bed sheets won’t count.) FAIL
• One must pass an oral test. (No, Crazy Jack, that doesn’t mean a trip to your dentist.)  The oral test is based on your experience. Bankrupt and pizza delivery guy are, um, interesting qualifications.  The oral test is also based on diplomacy and working with others.  Remember when you pulled the plug on the microphones while two Arizona State Senators were debating proposed legislation? Not the skills they’re looking for, Crazy Jack. FAIL
• One must have linguistic skills. (Crazy Jack has linguistic skills…in not telling the truth!) PASS

Sorry, Crazy Jack, but the vote is 3-2 that you just won’t make it as a US Ambassador. But the good news is, with your prior experience as an executive assistant in the Army (Yes, we were able to locate your DD214 from the military…), you just might have the skills needed to be a secretary.  Crazy Jack, while you’re up, would you get me a cup of coffee, please?  (You probably heard that a lot in the Army…)

Here are more of the creditors I stiffed with my “fresh start” bankruptcy. Did any of you read about this in the newspaper? 

I am so good with my own money that I had to file Chapter 7 bankruptcy in 2004, while the rest of the economy was booming!  A Chapter 7 bankruptcy is called “fresh start” bankruptcy because it helped me wipe away ALL of my debts, including the taxes I owed to the state and federal government. I bet you wish you didn’t have to pay your taxes! And now I’m helping to run the government…into the ground.  The size of our state budget doubled for the past 8 years I’ve been in office. Maybe Arizona should just declare Chapter 7 and start over just like I did.